Never Ending Campaign

Wednesday, June 7, 1995


Date:  95-06-07 09:48:49 EDT
From:  JGetz

Millions would believe that, and probably do--if you were listening. Fact is,
almost nobody is. My numbers stink--to the point I feel abjectly surprised
that the major networks give me any airtime at all. Which is why I feel
confident in saying whatever the hell I feel like. Because I know that the
only folks who are listening are the paranoid crazies who put words in my
mouth I never said in
the first place. You know what? I can see you, from the other side of this TV
screen. You know that little voice that talks to you in your eyeglasses?
That's me, Slick Willy, the voice of the New World Order. (to the cameraman)
Haha...somebody open up a window and tell me if they're screaming...haha...
(We hear the crew laughing off-screen)
I know I shouldn't do that. It's a cheap shot--all you Forrest Gumps out
there are so easy to fool--but it's just so much fun, it really is. (he
laughs) The point is: I don't care. I have absolutely nothing to lose anymore
and, frankly, it's a truly great feeling.
I'm stepping down from politics. Why? Not because my cause is unworthy--but
because it's doomed, and I have sense enough to know that. As a wise man once
said: "people get the kind of government they deserve." It is my deepest,
most profound hope that the American public gets exactly what it deserves:
Swarzennegger/Limbaugh in 96...or worse. Probably much worse.
America--I did my best to save you from a twenty-first century of jingoistic
patriotic piety, flag waving, and scientific creationism in the public
schools. America--I feel deeply sorry for you, but I need to get on with my
life, and I surely don't need to get myself killed. I'm sorry to do this to
you--but I'm out of here. As of this day, I tender my resignation as
President and Commander and Chief effective immediately--don't say I didn't
warn you, Al.
 What will become of the American people? What will they do, where will they
Frankly, America--I don't give a damn.
Hilary and I are going to France--a country where questions of bourgeoise
sexual morality or casual drug use have no place in legitimate political
discourse. A country where a certain level of corruption is assumed to be a
basic price of getting things done--and public officials aren't supposed to
act like boyscouts. A country of what all you Gumps out there might call
adults--but that's over your head, isn't it?
(He smiles).
America--this one's for you.
(He puts on a pair of sunglasses and reaches back behind his desk to pull out
a sax--then pulls out a joint and lights it, takes a deep drag, then puts the
joint down again. He leans back in his chair and begins wailing away at the
sax. Camera pulls back. Go to black. Title: presidential symbol.)

VO: This has been a message from the President of the United States.


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