The Arkansas Hillbillies

Arkansas Hillbillies Theme -- to the tune of the Flat/Scrugs Beverly Hillbillies theme...

Let me tell you story 'bout a man named Bill
Arkansas Gov who liked cheap sex and pills
Then one day he was looking for some poon
And a phone call came from Carville and his goons
"You can get that nomination. For President, that is....
A Democrat. In Washington DC"

The kinfolk said, "Bill, get your ass in gear
There's toilets, running water, and a fridge that's full of beer"
They said "inside the beltway is the place you oughta be"
So they pulled in lotsa favors and moved to old DC
Washington, that is...
Movie stars...cocaine bars...
The Arkansas Hillbillies!

(banjo riff)

Go to INT, White House. CLINTON coming down the stairs dressed like a hillbilly. He hollers out...

CLINTON: Hey Chelsea -- you done laundered that money yet?

CHELSEA: (hollering back) Almost, Pa!

Hillbilly CLINTON enters an enormous livingroom space where freshly-washed, still-wet, dripping money is hanging from a clothesline. CHELSEA is pinning up more, taking bills from an old washtub...

CHELSEA: (wiping back her hair) I reckon that about does it, Pa.

CLINTON: I surely do appreciate it.

CHELSEA: Pa...how come folks got a problem with what we's doing? I heard on the television set some folks think laudering money's bad!

CLINTON: Wellllll....I don't know about that, Hon. Way I see it, I reckon we gotta keep it clean. Specially with this here investigation. Old Ken Starr can get mighty peculiar.

HILLARY: (coming down stairs) Ken Starr -- that varmint! Don't even name that goldurned name in my house! Somebody oughta investigate him!

CLINTON: Don't get all het up, Hillary. I reckon he's just doing his job.

HILLARY: And I reckon he ain't. Trying his level best to put you in the pokey when all's you're trying to do is make this a decent country for hardworking ordinary people! Going after you when there's real corporate crime that needs a good investigator -- and Michael Moore cain't do everything, now can he?

CLINTON: No, I reckon he cain't.

HILLARY: Somebody especially oughta investigate them newfangled HMOs what's done a foul deed to plenty of sick folk and all what need good doctoring and some of my medicine -- but that ain't none of Ken Starr's concern! (holding up fist) I oughta give him some of this medicine.

CLINTON: Now Hillary...

HILLARY: Now Hillary nothing! You can sit here jawing all you want. I'm fixing to go out and tend to some sick folks in sore need of my ministrations! Somebody's got to do something, and you ain't gonna stop me.
CLINTON: I wouldn't dream to try.

She storms out.

CHELSEA: She's a regular Florence Nightingale, ain't she Pa?

CLINTON: (shaking head in admiration) She is at that. She is at that.


INT, hospital room. HILLARY leaning over a hospital bed where LOUISE (the one from the HARRY and LOUISE insurance commercials) lies suffering. Soap opera organ music through the whole bit...

HILLARY: Anythin' I cin do for you, hon?

LOUISE: How can you even help me...

HILLARY: Eh, fergit it -- what's done's done and I ain't studying the past. Them companies didn't do right by you but I reckon I can.

LOUISE: You're an angel. (coughing) How's... (coughing) How's...

HILLARY: How's Harry?

LOUISE: (nodding)

HILLARY: Harry's going to.... Harry's going to be just fine, darling.

LOUISE: You're a (coughing) bad liar...Hillary.

HILLARY: Goldurn it I ain't gonna stand for it! I'll make sure you get doctored up! And Harry too!

LOUISE: You can't. (coughing) No one can. The insurance companies. The HMOs. You tried...

HILLARY: Then, by thunder, I'll try again! I'll do it, Louise -- any which ways I can!

LOUISE looks up at her. Tearful. Grateful. Near death.

Firey, militant determination clamps down on HILLARY's face...

She squeezes LOUISE's hand.

War on Crime

GETZ: My opponent is soft on crime. He thinks criminals have "rights." He
thinks criminals should be treated like "human beings." He coddles criminals.
Just take a look at what could've happened.

Exterior: Raiford Prison. We see a series of revolving turnstiles, one marked
SERIAL KILLERS, then CHILD MOLESTERS, MURDERERS, etc. A CRIMINAL emerges from
one of them, notices CHILES' large, black limousine.

CHILES: Hello. Yoo-hoo. Mr. Criminal.

CRIMINAL reacts, not believing he's being addressed.

CHILES: Yes, you. I mean you. I'm here for you. Come here...

Childlike, the CRIMINAL runs over to the CHILES's open window, leans in.
CHILES begins stroking his head.

CHILES: Oh. You poor criminal. Oh--just look at you. Were they mean to you?
CRIMINAL: (crying) They yelled at me and did bad things.
CHILES: There, there...

The CHAUFFEUR lets the CRIMINAL gets into CHILES' limo. They drive off.
CHILES cuddles him, rocks him comforts him.

GETZ: Is that what we want? Is that what they deserve? I don't think so.

***

Exterior: country road. Warm color values. Pine forrest one side, a lake on
the other. A little kid in a straw hat is fishing. We hear a fish jump.
CHILES walks into frame, notices us, begins talking in a casual, friendly
way.

CHILES: Maybe you've seen that ad. Maybe it's supposed to be funny. They've
got an actor pretending to be me pick up some thug outside of Raiford.  I
don't know. I don't think it's funny. And it's not true. I don't like
negative campaining--and I hate to even respond to that kind of thing. But I
don't coddle criminals--I hate criminals. I have personally sent 5 of them to
the electric chair last year alone. (getting a weird look on his face) And I
liked it.

Interior: execution chamber at Raiford. Another CRIMINAL sitting in "old
sparky." CHILES looking in from the viewing window, rubbing his hands,
gloating.

CHILES: How's it feel, huh? How's it feel? I might just go ahead and give you
a stay--not.* Haha! (looking off camera) Do it.

Sound: bugzapping noise. Light effect flashing on CHILES' face like something
in a Frankenstein movie. He laughs, gloating, relishing it.

Go to title effect: campaign logo.

VO: Vote Chiles for governor in '92. He send 5 killers straight to hell.

Cutaway square opens bottom right. CHILES face.

CHILES: And I liked it.

***

GETZ: Well Chiles says he's tough on crime. Chiles says he likes sending
people to the chair. Liked it, huh? Five in one year doesn't sound like he
liked it--or maybe he did. There's such a thing as quality, fine. But I'm
going to give you quantity, Florida. He did five a year. I'm going to do five
in one week, every week--that's my pledge.

GETZ FOR GOVERNOR
...turning up the current in '92

***

CHILES: Getz points his finger at me again like that I'm gonna cut it
off--you hear me, boy? You're not from around here, are you? (nodding head) I
think he's from New York. And you say I don't wanna fry these people? What do
you know? Blame the State Legislature, not me. I swear, people--get rid of
the legislature, give me full dictatorial powers, and you'll start to see the
SPARKS fly. I'll do better than five in one week. I'll do more than that--and
I'll make sure the job gets done right, because I will personally pull the
plug on each and every one.

(We see CHILES' hand go to the switch and pull. Sound and light effect).

VO: Chiles for governor. Because the hand the signs the laws will be the hand
that pulls the switch.

***

GETZ: Now Chiles says he's tough on crime. Now he says he favors the death
penalty. He says he's going to personally pull the switch--but is that really
enough? Death
is nearly instantaneous in the electric chair. Their victims didn't have it
so good. Their victims suffered. Is that really fair?

Cut to shots of normal people.
WOMAN: I think the chair's too good for that human scum.
REDNECK: Gimme five minues alone. Just five minutes.

GETZ: I hear you people. I'm listening--and I'm going to kill them. I,
personally, will make them suffer. Not on the other side of a piece of glass.
Not impersonally, pulling a switch on the wall. One on one--with me. It's
going to be cruel. It's going to be unusual.

Cut to: interior, death cage chamber. Steel cage with rows and rows of
screaming people looking down. A CRIMINAL is ejected through a hole in the
wall. From another, GETZ emerges in a black gi. CRIMINAL reacts with fear,
but there's no way out. GETZ advances...

GETZ: (to the crowd) Remember my promise?

They cheer. GETZ leaps up in the air, does a wheelkick to the side of the
CRIMINAL's head. Bones crack. The prisoner falls, holding his head, blood
gushing out of his fingers.

GETZ: That's one...

GETZ leaps again. The prisoner begins screaming. Go to: extreme cu open
mouth.

***


CHILES: (crouched in the shadows of an alley, dressed in black, Ninja style)
Getz says he's going to make them suffer--and we're supposed to be impressed.
Maybe he thinks people are stupid--but did it ever occur to him that killing
these people, however you do it, ain't gonna do a lot of good once they
already committed their crimes? That's why you've got to stop this kind of
thing...before it starts.

(Two thugs walk in: we hear sounds, vicious stabbing, bone-cracking, noises,
and then the thugs fall.

CHILES: Some people talk about a war on crime: I'm doing it, "Death Wish"
style, one criminal at a time on a one-man crusade. (smiling) And we're
saving money, too...

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Here's some of the "Jack Getz" comedy I did in the 1990s.