Never Ending Campaign

Thursday, June 8, 1995

More Apologies

Subj:  More apologies
Date:  95-06-08 13:38:10 EDT
From:  JGetz


George Will: I'd like to take this opportunity right now to apologize to the
American people for running my tiresome baseball anecdotes into the ground.

Frank Zappa: I'd like to apologize to everybody for being dead. I guess you
could use me. On the other hand, there are no unions up here, the groupies
are all 18--and they don't get tired.

Billy Crystal: I wish to apologize for not being funny.

Timothy McVeigh: Sorry about that bombing op. We did a recon on that and
children present at the bomb site was not part of the mission parameters.

Robert McNamara: Mea Culpa... 58,680. Mea Culpa...58,681. Mea Maxima
Culpa...58,682. Whew.

WWII Generation: Looks like we pissed all the money away, just like that.
Turned around one day and that was it. Just pissed it all away and we're real
sorry about it. On the other hand, let's not forget who stopped Hitler.

Baby Boomer Generation: We were making money or getting high or finding
ourselves and it looks like we never got around to taking over and solving
everybody's problems like we said we would. Sorry.

Generation X: I don't have to apologize, no f***ing way. It's like you who
should apologize to me? Like you hand me like all this shit, like life, you
know, whatever. And you're like all "here's this sack of shit, it's your
problem," and I'm like "no way," and you're like "no, you're the young
generation, like we f****ed everything up, now it's your problem and what's
wrong with you, why aren't you motivated, you're just a bunch of slackers,"
and I don't even know what that means, you know, and I'm supposed to feel
like guilty or something and take everybody's shit and work minimum wage and
save the rainforests when my parents didn't even buy me the shoes I wanted,
you know?

Wednesday, June 7, 1995

Sony Boy

Subj:  Sony boy
Date:  95-06-07 11:28:06 EDT
From:  JGetz

Executives at Sony would also wish to deny any responsibility for the
infamous "Walkman" experiments in Manchuko, sorry, Manchuria. Nonetheless, in
the interests of peace and international understanding, we offer our full and
unconditional apology to everyone within the Greater East Asian Co-Prosperity
Sphere for not winning the second world war.

Re: Erratum

Subj:  re: erratum
Date:  95-06-07 11:24:08 EDT
From:  JGetz

a division of Sony Corporation:

A recent comedy posting "CLINTON RESIGNS!" unfortunately referred to Clinton
as a Harvard man, when he in fact went to Yale. Haack's Comedy Zaibatsu and
Mr. Getz deeply regret this error, and will make sure that the entire
fact-checking department is beaten on the soles of their feet with lead
pipes, after which they will be forced to watch reruns of "Paper Chase" until
their eyes bleed. While acknowledging no legal responsibility, we nonetheless
offer our most sincere apologies for any inconvenience this inaccuracy may
have caused.


Date:  95-06-07 09:48:49 EDT
From:  JGetz

Millions would believe that, and probably do--if you were listening. Fact is,
almost nobody is. My numbers stink--to the point I feel abjectly surprised
that the major networks give me any airtime at all. Which is why I feel
confident in saying whatever the hell I feel like. Because I know that the
only folks who are listening are the paranoid crazies who put words in my
mouth I never said in
the first place. You know what? I can see you, from the other side of this TV
screen. You know that little voice that talks to you in your eyeglasses?
That's me, Slick Willy, the voice of the New World Order. (to the cameraman)
Haha...somebody open up a window and tell me if they're screaming...haha...
(We hear the crew laughing off-screen)
I know I shouldn't do that. It's a cheap shot--all you Forrest Gumps out
there are so easy to fool--but it's just so much fun, it really is. (he
laughs) The point is: I don't care. I have absolutely nothing to lose anymore
and, frankly, it's a truly great feeling.
I'm stepping down from politics. Why? Not because my cause is unworthy--but
because it's doomed, and I have sense enough to know that. As a wise man once
said: "people get the kind of government they deserve." It is my deepest,
most profound hope that the American public gets exactly what it deserves:
Swarzennegger/Limbaugh in 96...or worse. Probably much worse.
America--I did my best to save you from a twenty-first century of jingoistic
patriotic piety, flag waving, and scientific creationism in the public
schools. America--I feel deeply sorry for you, but I need to get on with my
life, and I surely don't need to get myself killed. I'm sorry to do this to
you--but I'm out of here. As of this day, I tender my resignation as
President and Commander and Chief effective immediately--don't say I didn't
warn you, Al.
 What will become of the American people? What will they do, where will they
Frankly, America--I don't give a damn.
Hilary and I are going to France--a country where questions of bourgeoise
sexual morality or casual drug use have no place in legitimate political
discourse. A country where a certain level of corruption is assumed to be a
basic price of getting things done--and public officials aren't supposed to
act like boyscouts. A country of what all you Gumps out there might call
adults--but that's over your head, isn't it?
(He smiles).
America--this one's for you.
(He puts on a pair of sunglasses and reaches back behind his desk to pull out
a sax--then pulls out a joint and lights it, takes a deep drag, then puts the
joint down again. He leans back in his chair and begins wailing away at the
sax. Camera pulls back. Go to black. Title: presidential symbol.)

VO: This has been a message from the President of the United States.

Clinton Resigns!

Date:  95-06-07 09:42:27 EDT
From:  JGetz

(Spot opens on President Clinton, at his desk in the Oval office. He's
looking straight at the camera, deeply sincere)

Clinton: Hillary and I recently took time from our busy schedule to watch
"Forrest Gump." (holds up copy of the video) Never did see it when it first
come out...but now we have.  We were deeply moved. What...(tossing video)
what a piece of shit. And I understood, as never before, a powerful lesson
which that movie conveyed...sincerely, vacuously, without ambiguity.
The American people are stupid as hell.
Of course I knew that. I had always know that--but I didn't know how stupid.
I had made a classicly fatal political mistake: I overestimated the
intelligence of the American people.
I should have known better.
I knew that Americans deeply wanted image: an Underdog balloon of a president
floating down the Macy's Thanksgiving parade that is our political
Reagan was the slicked-back Grecian formula black-haired balloon of the
right. I would be the sax-playing, blow-dried blimp of the left.
Floated in on the strength of my blow-dried haircut--why was I surprised when
my fellow Americans turned on me, for the very haircut that put me into the
Oval Office?
I had chosen as my theme song an anthem from Fleetwood Mac--a mediocre band
of the 70's, at best a pale reflection of Jefferson Starship--itself a pale
self-parody of Jefferson Airplane:

Don't stop thinking about tomorrow
Don't stop
It'll soon be here
It'll be here
Better than before
Yesterday's gone, yesterday's gone
Oooo...oooo...don't you look back

Stupid? Yes it was. I knew the lyrics were stupid--they made no sense
whatsoever. But they sounded good, and they made you feel good. And I knew
that's what the American people wanted: a commitment to think about tomorrow
without the slightest hint what the hell that meant.
But I had been thinking about tomorrow. The rumors were true: every President
received a secret briefing on day one of their term. It was worse than I
thought, it truly was. They showed me the books--and I couldn't stop
violently throwing up for at least an hour.
The American dream was finished--I knew that. And I knew there was no way to
tell the average American exactly what was going on--Fleetwood Mac would just
have to do. All I was trying to do was buy some time--just a little time--for
the baby boomers, and let Generation X hit the fan.
But even that was not to be.
I had made the fatal mistake of overestimating the intelligence of the
average American. Hard as I tried, I couldn't help using big words, talking
over your head. I'm a Harvard man--and I just can't help it. I couldn't
resist it,
 which is why I turned into the devil incarnate in the eyes of Joe Sixpack.
Like right now. I know I should keep my mouth shut, but I can't.
Because I know how to push your buttons--and it gives me a truly perverse
pleasure to do so. I know I could say I was a communist and you'd believe me.
Fact is, I'm secretly in the pay of Soviet spymasters, even to this day. They
told me back in the 60's: do not try to reform the system. Use terror and the
ruling class will react with force--creating class consciousness and exposing
the inherent contractions of the system. Basic Marxist Leninist strategy, but
I thought I knew better, a snot-nosed clean-for-Gene kid from Little Rock.
How wrong I was...
I could stand here before you now and confess: I did inhale.
I could stand before you now and confess: I killed Vince Foster. Most of you
would believe me, because you are immune to irony and satire--and there are
millions of you out there now who probably take my words as full confession.
On the other hand, I could tell you that the spirit of Vince Foster
personally channelled through me with the message: