Oral Office 3

INT, the backroom. MONICA tied Betty Pageishly to a chair. KEN STARR appears holding a rubber truncheon.

MONICA: Hey!

STARR: You're probably expecting good cop bad cop. I'm both. You've really been used here. I sympathize. (wickedly cracking her a slantways blow with truncheon) And I'll fuck you up if you don't hand me that fucker's balls. (different personality) Hey stop that! (hitting her) I own you -- you fucking cunt. You don't mean shit to me. (nice guy) I said LEAVE HER ALONE! 

He again raises a hand to hit her, grabs his truncheon hand with his other hand, falls to the floor, wrestles with himself, screaming insanely in alternating voices. MONICA screams in pure terror. STARR gets upoff the floor. Walks up to her. Looking down at her with dead doll-in-a-trashcan eyes...

STARR: Can we be friends?

INT, White House breakfast table, CHELSEA, HILLARY and BILL CLINTON. Thick, fart-in-church silence. No servants. Just a just-folks family breakfast...

CLINTON: Well I reckon we still gotta eat. (offering plate) Sausage?

HILLARY: No!

CLINTON: How 'bout some butter then...

He lifts lid of margarine tub.

MARGARINE TUB: Blowjob.

CLINTON: I said butter.

MARGARINE TUB: Blowjob.

CLINTON: Butter?

MARGARINE TUB: Blowjob.

He throws the tub across the room.

MARGARINE TUB: Blowjobbbb.......

CLINTON: Try something else then. (lifting lid off plate) Macadamia nuts?

CHELSEA: (howling -- runs up from table) Agghhhhhhhhh!

HILLARY scowls. Punches his lights out.

CLINTON wakes up. Alone on the floor, birdies and stars twirling around his head. The margarine tub rolls to him. Stops.

MARGARINE TUB: Blowjob.

He hears tinkling sounds. Looks up at TV to see....

KEN STARR's NEIGHBORHOOD

KEN STARR walks out of house carrying garbage can filled with shredded constitution...

KEN STARR: Hello. It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood, it's time to chop off the morning wood...could you be mine? Would you be mine? Please come inside with me or I will kill you now.

The camera follows him in.

KEN STARR: You may have noticed I don't blink. That's because the voices in my head adjust my pupils so the light doesn't hurt me. (holding up President Clinton doll) Do you like to play with dolls? I do. Somebody once said you can't go down the toilet. (dropping Clinton doll in toilet) But they're wrong. (flushing toilet) It felt like God to do that. God sends bad people to hell. When we send bad people to hell we're helping God. If you've done anything bad God will find you. Or I will. (smiling) No one can hide from Mister Starr.

MISTER MAILMAN: Speedy delivery! Speedy delivery!

KEN STARR: Come in!

MISTER MAILMAN enters. Drops a sack of dripping rubbery sex toys and moist cigars at STARR's feet.

STARR: Bad people must be punished -- don't you think so boys and girls? Let's go to the neighborhood of Make-It-Bleed! Let's go right inside that tiny little hole...to the other side!

The Magic Trolley appears, goes through a hole in the wall, into the neighborhood of Make-It-Bleed where a wooden-headed CLINTON DOLL gestures from a fakey puppet White House. The other stupid puppets applaud him. KEN STARR, of course, is doing all the voices...

CLINTON: I am King Bubba the Large!

HENRIETTA PUSSYCAT: Meow, meow, we love King Bubba the Large!

CLINTON: I command you to suck my dick!


Back on the floor, CLINTON goes arrggghhh, pulls himself up to the feet, staggers to the TV, finds a clicker. He clicks -- from channel to channel, it's all about his dick. Madonna, on MTV, urges national repentence. MSNBC has a large USA map resembling a weather map complete with graphics of dicks and mouths. CNN has a running tickertape display at the bottom that reads like the last chapter of Ulysees. Unavision is a gabble of Spanish punctuated by "Monica"..."El Presidente Clinton"...."blowjob"..."masturbacion"...DOLE appears on C-SPAN, a Frankenstein's monster, piteously human in its inhumanity....

DOLE: Dole said...where outrage? Dole penis safe. Dole intern safe. Dole wife safe. But too late now. Dick out of barn. Where outrage? Presidential dignity. Dole say, think of the children...

Cut to two male adolescents pulling out centerfold from The Economist.

TEEN#1: Wow.
TEEN#2: When I grow up I wanna be President!

KEN STARR addressing...

He sleeps. Dreams of a vast, nationwide repentance.

Witches are stoned. Stoned people are stoned.