Never Ending Campaign

Tuesday, February 13, 1996

Dole Unleashed

Open: INT, Press Conference. DOLE staggers up to the podium led by DR.
FRANKENSTEEN. Vulture-like, the REPORTERS wait.

REPORTER: What is your position on the abortion platform?
REPORTER #2: What is your platform on the abortion position?
DOLE: Dole stand on platform.
GAY REPUBLICAN: What about the Log Cabin Republicans?
GAY REPUBLICAN #2: (dressed as Aunt Jemima) What about the Aunt Jemima
DOLE: Dole change mind. Take check from anybody. That Republican way.
REPORTER: Do you believe in abortion in cases of rape or incest?
DOLE: (hitting head with fists) Dole confused!
FRANKENSTEEN: (whispering) Careful. He's got that Baptist haircut.
R#3: Certain members of the Christian Coalition believe it's a question of
DOLE: Dole Pelagian.
R#3: What about alien abduction? What about the Alien in "Alien 3."
WAYNE: Yeah. If you like, beamed it out with a transporter or something it'd
be like an alien abortion.
GARTH: Ewwwwwww.
DOLE: Depend if alien fetus have consciousness.
R#3: But fetuses don't have consciousness...they have souls.
DOLE: Dole don't know that. Only God know. But if Alien accept Jesus Christ
as personal savior and join Republican Party, then alien saved.

(the Reporters applaud)

DOLE: Alien act like Republican.
R#3: What about late term live fetal abortions?
DOLE: Dole no like--but doctor decide. Is sometimes only way.
R#3: When? When is murder EVER justified?
DOLE: Dole show. Look at diagram.

(DR. FRANKENSTEEN pushes a button. On a large screen, a slide is projected: a
cutaway drawing of the White House where, fetus-like, a naked CLINTON is
crouched in the womb-like cavity therein, hands balled-up in tiny little

DOLE: Must cut out or country die. Must have hard choices.
R#3: How?
DOLE: Next slide please.

(We see a large vacuum cleaner inserted into CLINTON's head)

DOLE: First, media suck out brains, then spine, then soul. White House saved,
country saved--better than truck full of dynamite.
R#3: You would do this?
DOLE: You do this.
R#3: It's still an abortion.
DOLE: Dole think of it as Clintonectomy.
R#3: I think you're avoiding the original question.
DOLE: Dole brain hurt.
R#3: What if an alien abducted YOU and made you pregnant?

FRANKENSTEEN: Please stop. You're confusing him.

R#3: What if you knew it had a soul--and you knew it was going to be a
DOLE: Brain hurt!
R#3: What's it going to be, Bob? What's it going to be when it really counts?
DOLE: (shattering podium with his steel arm) STOPPPP!
REPORTER #1: He's losing it--get this. Roll.

Cameras begin flashing furiously, chittering like the bug noises in "The
Right Stuff." Bulbs flashing like mad, REPORTERS calling out questions. DOLE
freaks--and leaps out the window.

FRANKENSTEEN: Now look what you've done!
R#3: He's a monster!
FRANKENSTEEN: (running out the window) He is not a monster--he is a good boy!

(Cut to: a little blonde haired girl alone in a field of daisies. She's
plucking one)

GIRL: 7...6...5...

Freeze frame.


DOLE runs into the frame.

DOLE: Run! Run! Bomb come! Run!

(DOLE scoops up the girl, runs off.)

TECH: 2...1...

(The bomb explodes.)


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