Never Ending Campaign

Friday, February 9, 1996


Date:  96-02-09 14:08:31 EDT
From:  JGetz          

REAGAN enters, grinning, idiotic, like a post-lobotomy Jack Nicholson. Two
doctors lead him, holding him by either arm.

SMITHERS:'s the gipper! Our great white hype! Why is he grinning so?
C. EVERETT KOOP: (whispering) It's the operation.
BURNS: (shuddering) Most disquieting. I assume there is a point to
this...this unseemly spectacle...
BILL GATES: (a big, geeky grin on his face) Watch. (GATES pushes a TV
REAGAN: Oceania is at war with Eastasia.
GATES: Your reaction?
BURNS: I believe him.
GATES: Now watch. (pushing clicker)
REAGAN: Oceania is at war with Eurasia.
GATES: Your reaction...
BURNS: Why...yet again...I believe him. Strange. It's a contradiction--law of
excluded middle and all that--but somehow I believe. I believe...and I feel
good about myself! A warm sunshiny feeling...all over...a sort of glow! How
is this possible?
GATES: (whizkid showoff, eager) It's my new chip, Mr. Burns. Koop did the
wetware...I handle the hardware, now it's in--in all the new TV sets. Give us
another ten months and it'll be everywhere. We've got a carrier wave attached
to all his broadcasts...activates it.
BURNS: Which means...
GATES: Reagan can say anything, contradict himself, lie...people will believe
BURNS: Anything?
GATES: Anything.
BURNS: Quite impressive--and so we sell our deficit...our little bubble. But
any security leaks?
KISSINGER: Stockman...shooting off his mouth to the "Economist," spilled the
whole thing.
BURNS: (to REAGAN) You took him to the woodshed, I assume?
REAGAN: (grinning, bobbing head) Oh yes.
BURNS: And soundly thrashed him?
REAGAN: Well...let's just say...well...there you go again...
BURNS: Charming fellow--but not much upstairs. But how do you think he'll
stand in the debate with that peanut farmer?
BUSH: (holding up sheaf of papers) We've got his debate book, sir.
BURNS: Haven't lost it, have you Poppy? Boola boola. Mustn't let the side
down. Haha.
BUSH: Gonna win, sir. Gonna win.
BURNS: A "well-oiled" campaign, I assume?
BUSH: Yes. Very witty. Very witty. Good sense of humor. Incisive kind of
thing. To the point. Witty.
BURNS: Paronomasia, it's called--but I expect no rhetorical education from an
oilman, nor appreciate his flattery. Know your place sir!
BUSH: Sorry. Outta line, there, sir, outta line. Backing off...
BURNS: Next item...
SMITHERS: Destruction of the middle class.
BURNS: Yes, very good, very good. They irritate me with all their--what was
that Wolfe fellow was saying?
SMITHERS: "Status spheres."
BURNS: That's it. All these...little people...creating their own definition
of success, "I'm a surfer"..."I'm an aesthete"...and completely ignoring the
fact that Mongomery Burns is on top of the pile. Put them in their place, I
say. Let them know their betters, doff their hats.
SMITHERS: People don't wear hats anymore.
BURNS: It's the principle of the thing, man. So how do we break them?
FRIEDMAN: (holding up a credit card) With these sir...
BURNS: (taking it) A flat, plastic card? Why this looks perfectly harmless...



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